Tintin 2: Title Censored by the Government
by StupidSequel
Summary: Tintin realizes he's in love with Bianca Castafiore, but when she rejects him, he finds out that there are no fish in the sea. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a mysterious character causes Tintin to seek medical attention.


**Tintin 2: Title Censored by the Government**

**This is a sequel to the CGI movie that came out in theaters. It is a parallel time line to the real sequel that probably will be made.**

While Tintin was in the boy's restroom doing his business, he peeked in the urinal, and there was a turd in it.

"Great snakes!" Tintin spat. "That mud monkey is staring me in the face." Snowy barked something that could be roughly translated as 'deja vu.'

"You're right, Snowy. If the readers have read this author's Great Mouse Detective crack or watched that one episode of South Park, then they will be feeling deja vu. I better tell the manager of this restaurant that there is a turd in the urinal and that he needs to get someone to clean it up ay ess ay pee." Then Tintin had another thought. "I bet it was that asswipe Abdula. I better punish him and give him a piece of my mind even though I have no proof, just suspicion alone."

"Sir, mister restaurant manager-" Tintin began.

"I have a name, you know. What?" He spoke in an Italian accent.

"Somebody took a dump in the urinal and I need you to yell at some ass-hat to clean it up."

"What the hell is a urinal?"

"Well, it's a wall toilet, and they're always found in boys' bathrooms-" The restaurant manager cut him off.

"Bathrooms? A ha ha ha! The very existence of bathrooms is just an old wives' tale. You should know that nobody ever goes to the bathroom, so we have no need for bathrooms anywhere in the world. Nobody has an anus. No penises or vaginae anywhere ever." Tintin decided to test this knowledge. Conveniently, Snowy's belly was rumbling. Tintin put some sausages down his pants. Snowy went in full on hungry attack mode and mercilessly gnawed on his crotch area. No pain that would have been worse due to him being biologically male.

"Great snakes! I have no genitalia!" Tintin said in surprisement. He decided to go in the corner to confirm this discovery by pulling down his pants. Surely enough, nothing there. "What the hell is going on here? How come I never knew aboot this before?" He decided to go back to where the bathroom was. There was no bathroom door. "Huh?"

Tintin woke up. "Whew, just a dream." This was the combo breaker in a series of dreams about his crush, Bianca Castafiore. "One of these days, I am going to ask her out." Tintin decided to indefinitely put his quest to find Red Rackham's treasure on hold and ask Bianca out on a date, no, FORCE her to be his girlfriend. He told Captain Haddock about his plan, and this was Haddock's reaction:

E-

O:

E-

Tilt your head sideways to the right.

Tintin unfortunately had no idea where Bianca was, so he decided to dawdle around town randomly. He eventually bumped into Thompson and Thompson.

"Go to hell, you mother... oh, hey Tintin. Wazzup?" Thompson 1 said.

"Do you know where Bianca Castafiore is? It's probably an emergency." Tintin sounded desperate.

"Well, tomorrow she has an upcoming opera/rap/heavy metal concert in the Belgian convention center on the other side of town."

"Presoisely," Thompson 1 said in response.

"kthxbai," Tintin was off. He knew that he would need backstage passes in order to be able to talk to Bianca, and you needed to be a VIP.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED TO BE A SOPA SUPPORTER IN ORDER TO BE A VIP?" Tintin cried like a two year old. He was at the ticket office.

"I mean exactly that. If you support the Stop Online Piracy Act, we will let you go back stage with Bianca. Currently there is only one VIP." Tintin squinted.

"Muller?" Tintin gasped. Considering how truly madly deeply Tintin was in love with Bianca, he had to betray his fierce opposition to SOPA and his fear of Muller.

"I support SOPA." Tintin lied.

"You do? Well in that case, backstage passes granted." Tintin was handed the backstage passes as a reward for claiming to support SOPA.

"Thank you." Tintin blew the ticket guy a kiss. Now he had to think of some way to pass the time until tomorrow. "Aw crap! I left Snowy at home!" You see how my lack of mentioning Snowy led to something?

Jogging to the other side of town because Tintin was 22 and still had no driver's license and because he was so green, he made Green Lantern look pink by comparison.

By the time Tintin got home, it was already half a day later than when he left the theater. "SNOWY," Tintin called. He saw something roll down the stairs that made Tintin gasp in horror and then start sobbing. It was the severed head of his beloved dog Snowy.

"NO! Are you okay?" Tintin asked the severed Snowy head. "Whoever did this to you I will find where they live and crash a plane loaded with explosives into their house." He then heard snickering from upstairs. _I bet it's that same Secret of NIMH 2 that decapitated my dog. _Tintin walked in on Thompson and Thompson snickering. He then heard barking.

"Sssh, quiet Snowy, we don't want you to blow our cover! Oh hey Tintin. Darn it!"

"WTF?" Tintin was like.

"Can't you take a joke?" A Thompson asked. Tintin went back downstairs and picked up what he thought was Snowy's head. It was a paper mache. Tintin burst out laughing. "Good one," Tintin slapped Thompson and Thompson a high ten. "Come on Snowy."

Tintin jogged back over to the other side of town, still carrying Snowy. He got there just in time for Bianca's concert to start. Tintin silently got up and worked his way toward the stage as people he walked in front of shot him annoyed looks and waited in the backstage area alongside Muller.

"I'm bored. Wanna play solitaire with me? I brought a deck of playing cards."

"Sure," Tintin agreed. So it was Tintin versus Muller in a solitaire match of epic proportions, and the fate of the universe is at stake. Who will win this high intensity death brawl?

"Solitaire!" Muller shouted. He was the winner.

"Great game." Tintin and Muller shook hands. Tintin cleared his throat and tapped Bianca on the shoulder while she was singing an opera/heavy metal/rap/dubstep/country version of Friday (yes, it's THAT Friday song). "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" Tintin asked nervously. Bianca chuckled.

"No no no. Too much of an age difference. You're only what, 22? And I'm 47 years old. That's equivalent to a 30 year old dating a 5 year old."

"You're the only one I love. I've never loved ANYONE as much as I love you, not even Jesus or God."

"Tintin, there are other fish in the sea. You'll find another woman eventually." Tintin wished that was true. Truth is, he'd never, ever seen any women at all other than Bianca, EVER! He wasn't sure if they even existed.

He scanned the audience row by row. They were all male. Next he searched each and every home in Belgium one by one (I will spare you all the boring details). He did not find a single female person. Or any female person at all, tho he almost got busted for alleged pedophilia.

He got into his plane and flew to every country, searching every house, looking in every nook and cranny. All males. Tintin was getting incredibly frustrated.

He got back home to Belgium after having examined all 7 billion of earth's people, confirming to himself that Bianca Castafiore was the only woman in the entire world. She was the last hope. _Wait. If there are no women on earth except for Bianca, then how was anyone born? Where are my parents? _Tintin figured that professor Calculus knew something about this enigma. After all, he was a professor. _Oh wait, we've never met before, so I'm not supposed to know about him yet. I guess God did it._

"Oh hey there, Tintin." Calculus was looking up from his Calculus book. "I am a professor, and I love doing Calculus problems. Therefore, I am better known as professor Calculus."

"Professor, how are babies made?" Tintin almost demanded.

"I see someone's never had the talk," Calculus went on. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, the get in bed together and..." There was no point in believing this BS if Bianca was the only woman in the entire world. So did this mean that Bianca was his mother and the entire rest of the world population was either his father or his brother? If so, that lady really gets around. Tintin interrupted.

"I asked Bianca Castafiore if she wants to be my boo, but that fat bitch rejected me." Tintin moaned.

"Dude, there are other fish in the sea," Calculus reminded him. Tintin had heard that very same thing from Bianca.

"No, I traveled the entire world and checked all 6.9 billion people, but no women. All men. Bianca Castafiore is the only woman in the entire world. Women are an endangered species. She needs to realize this. My heart is broken like you wouldn't believe. I jogged till my legs were on fire, sold out my personal beliefs by claiming to support the Stop Online Piracy Act, just to get rejected. All that personal torture for no reason! Suddenly I do think the world ending in 2012 isn't so farfetched." Rather than feeling pity, Calculus was raging. He lifted up a car and threw it just over Tintin's head.

"Oh (SOUND EFFECT BEEP), what did I do now?" Tintin muttered.

"SO YOU SUPPORT THE STOP ONLINE PIRACY ACT, EH? TO HELL WITH YOU." Calculus ripped off his shirt to reveal a fine muscular body. He punched a hole in someone's house. Did he not listen to Tintin's entire rant?

"CUTHBERT SMASH!" He shouted like the Incredible Hulk while punching houses, but in Calculus's normal voice. Captain Haddock would have been jealous of such an anger display. Tintin realized he never got the answer he was looking for. He was hyperventilating. He had never seen Cuthbert Calculus so angry in his life. It was like the Incredible Hulk, but in real life. Snowy hid in a pothole that Calculus punched into the ground, aware that he never struck the same place twice.

"I've never felt so empty inside," Tintin moaned as he remembered the pain of being rejected by Bianca and never knowing who his parents were. Suddenly he felt very weird. And very full. Not just his tummy, but his entire body as well was feeling full. What's going on?

"Who put this tight fitting suit on me?" Tintin heard a voice inside his head. It didn't seem possible, but did Tintin actually have a person growing inside him? Could it be? Tintin decided to call 9-1-1. "Yes, I have a person growing inside of me. Send an ambulance so they can take a look at it. I think I might either need surgery or seven thousand gallons of ipecac." Tintin was caught between a rock and a hard place. He had to pick the lesser of two evils. "Surgery, it is," Tintin lamented. I've vomited, and I've had surgery, and honestly, I would rather have surgery than vomit. Well, this isn't generally speaking. I've had my wisdom teeth taken out. That's the only surgery I've ever experienced, and it is preferable to vomiting. Unfortunately, this was not a wisdom teeth removal. It was something far more unorthodox and genre busting.

At hospital, Tintin's two surgeons looked identical to one another, their mustaches protruding over their surgical masks. Tintin had a nervous feeling in his gut when he realized who he recognized the two surgeons as. _Great snakes, I'm _***SOUND EFFECT BLEEP*.**Yup. It was Thompson and Thompson.

"Alright then, so I make an incision here, and..."

"No, you idiot! He needs an anesthetic first!"

"Oh right, I forgot!" When Tintin was hooked up to the anesthetic, Thompson 1 activated a gas powered chainsaw and lowered it toward Tintin.

"No, you dummy! Do you want to turn him into a fine pulp?" Thompson 2 reprimanded.

"Presoisly," Thompson 1 replied. Thompson 2 seized the chainsaw and swallowed it. "This tool is what we need, I think," Thompson 2 got out an apparatus that looked something like a pizza slicer. He made an incision vertically all across Tintin's body and split his skin apart so they could remove the person that was growing inside him.

"Never seen that before. How strange."

"Presoisly," the other Thompson nodded in agreement. After they removed the person, they stitched Tintin back up. At last, my love has come along, I mean, Tintin woke up from his surgery.

"I feel fine, except for these stitches that hurt like a bitch. Hey, that rhymes!" Tintin said enthusiastically. The Thompsons turned their attention toward the person who was inside Tintin.

"Who are your parents?" they asked him. "And what is your name?"

"Strange. I don't even remember being born, and my name is Nickelback Obama."

"Well, that doesn't help us. Most people do not remember their birth unless they're Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory." The Thompsons remarked.

"I don't think I even have any parents. I feel like I was always inside Tintin's body. It's almost like I just asexually grew out of a spore."

"Interesting," a Thompson said while writing something on a clipboard. "Tell me, Tintin, did you hyperventilate?"

"Yes. Calculus was on one of his angry rampages, and I hyperventilated because I'd never seen him so angry." Tintin told the story. "Wait, since there are no women except for Bianca, then that must mean it is true about all of us originating from spores. Huh." Tintin deduced. "Then that means I literally felt romantic feelings for Bianca for no reason! RRGH!" Tintin punched a hole in the wall.

He went over to Bianca's house (he obtained her address via Wikileaks), desperate for some romance. Bianca came running up to him, her breasts and tummy flab jiggling every which way.

"For gosh sakes, Tintin, where is Nickelback Obama? He's not dead yet, is he?" Bianca was hysterical.

"As far as I know, he's still being interrogated at hospital."

"Thank you, my boo! I need to make sure my experiment is safe." Experiment? My boo? Suddenly Tintin felt like watching the Human Centipede. He thought it was a cute movie. Tintin had to learn more about this 'experiment' for being nosy was his hobby. _No longer will I be the pirate that doesn't do anything. _Snowy didn't seem to mind being concealed inside Tintin's mouth just so I don't have to make the extra effort of remembering him.

Tintin sneakily followed Bianca to hospital and this was the first time he did not forget his steno notebook. "Damn, I've forgotten this thing about (insert number of Tintin episodes up to Tintin and the Alpha Art) times." Tintin was taking notes as Bianca was talking to Nickelback Obama.

"You're humanity's last hope to repopulate the Earth, since the earth's population has fallen to a measly 6.9 billion, and I'm the only woman. Therefore, we must repopulate the earth, and don't let Muller anywhere near you." _Muller? But I thought he was a good guy now. For gosh sakes, I played solitaire with that guy. _Just then a dark figure came out of nowhere and kidnapped Nickelback Obama. As Tintin gasped, Snowy fell out and began barking randomly and chasing Muller who was carrying Nickelback Obama away. "Snowy, get away from that scary man! He might have rabies!" Tintin yelled. Snowy bit Muller's crotch. Oddly enough, it actually hurt. Muller fell over, both hands over his groin, squirming in agony. Nickelback Obama lay nearby, dead. Tintin didn't think anything of it.

"Wait. A human with man parts? But how? I thought that all was the stuff of legends." Tintin scratched his head one half or one times.

"Muller! I thought I'd never see you again!" Bianca sounded both surprised and angry. Tintin was puzzled as ever. Bianca showed fierce fiery rage in her eyes. "But you cheated on me! See you in hell, you bastard!" Bianca pulled out a handgun, but Muller got up, up, and away, trying to evade her gun, but he had not counted on her uncanny ability to lead the target. She aimed at where he was going to be instead of where he'd just been, and Muller fell over dead. There was no blood, because in the Tintin universe, there is no such thing as blood. Tintin kept forgetting this, and this has kept him from living life to the fullest. He used his trusty and rusty pocket knife to chop off his finger. No blood. He decided to put on a circus act and chop off his 9 other fingers and juggle all 10 of his fingers at once.

"Muller cheated on me, so I decided to make a human spore cloud that could produce asexually just so I would have the perfect boyfriend. He killed all the girls in the world so that I would be forced to take him back because he still claims to love me. We need to repopulate the earth together." Tintin found that he did not remember who his parents were. Did that mean that he was from a spore cloud?

"But I have nothing down there," Tintin pointed out. Bianca used a magic spell, and now they could repopulate Earth.


End file.
